Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9
I have always been what my mom would call a “worry wart.” They say that God stitches us together in the womb and I think He stitched me a little too tight. Since I was young, I’ve worried about things. I have the unhealthiest relationship with fear. Why is that? Because I sometimes look at fear as a frenemy…something that I have to “make nice” with because it’s not going anywhere.
I thought when I got my heart transplant, I broke off my unhealthy relationship with fear. God had brought me to the worst, most dreaded thing and He brought me through it. Fear should be banished now, right?
Wrong.
I write this blog from my hospital bed. It seems I’ve caught a very nasty fungus in my lungs, and I will be at Vanderbilt for two weeks getting strong IV medication. Everyone has asked me where I picked up this fungus. Are you ready for this? It’s in the soil, everywhere. I could have gotten it so many ways, it’s hard to pinpoint what I was doing when I inhaled it.
This morning, during rounds, I lost it with the doctors. I cried so hard I think I made everyone in the room uncomfortable. The things I’ve avoided after transplant have been numerous. Every outing, every crowd, every piece of food I eat that I don’t prepare, every hug I give, everything I touch, is a risk. And now to be told that a common fungus can be picked up by walking outside on a windy day has just about sent me spinning into a black hole of fear. A hole that almost swallowed me right in front of the doctors who saved my life a year and a half ago.
Again, I find myself crawling to the cross, begging God to take away my fear. Begging Him to help me face my future with hope and joy. And frankly, I’m angry. I’m angry that the doctors are discouraging me from gardening. I love to garden because it is God’s creation and I LOVE being in nature and taking care of what He has created and now that, too, is being taken away. I’m angry that fear is winning. I’m angry that I’ve been given a second chance and I’m squashing it with fear.
Yes. It’s me. I’m squashing it. Not God. Me. And that has been my complete realization during these past few days. The reality is God has not promised us a pain-free life. He hasn’t promised there would be no hurdles. What He HAS promised is to ALWAYS be with us. And my fear doesn’t come from worrying that God won’t be with me. My fear comes from worrying that God will allow bad things to happen. My fear is that I may not get my way because, apparently, I think I know better than the God of the universe.
It’s a process. I’m quickly learning that fear truly is a lack of faith. Faith that my creator knows what’s best. BECAUSE HE DOES. And my joy that is being stolen is on me…not Him. I’m learning how to walk in faith and keep my joy. Every day is a gift, but we aren’t promised tomorrow, and that’s okay. God knows our purpose on this planet and when we should be called home. It is not our decision so why carry that weight? And this applies to all our fears! God can handle the unknown. I think we all walk our faith throughout life as we encounter valleys. But we must remain steadfast. God will never leave us and the fear we may feel is not from Him.
Andra Pape CHM Director Ministry
