Freedom From Shame by Kristin Shirley

Recovery. Abortion Recovery. If you look online, the definition of a recovery is “a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength” and also “the action or process or regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.”

I sat at a women’s conference this weekend for our church. As Irene Rollings, the speaker for the evening, spoke these words, they struck me in a way I’d never thought about before. She was speaking about “reframing the shame,” asking questions like, “are you free or freeish?” I realized in that moment, after 15 years of “recovering,” that I was still very much responding to life from a place of shame. I am still often thinking like someone who is “freeish” — picking back up the memory, of the darkest decision in my life, after vowing to lay it at the feet of Jesus, yet again.

I am still having to choose to forgive, not only myself, but others who aided in inflicting the Little t and Big T traumas in my life. I am forgiven but not totally healed. I have a testimony. I’ve been taking what the enemy meant for evil and letting the Lord turn it for good.

So why am I still battling this shame?

Then the words came. Irene said, “Testimony means DO IT AGAIN.” It was an “aha” moment for me! Of course! My testimony is not complete! It’s still being written! I get the forgiveness but not the forgetting. I am still in recovery…still returning to a normal state of health and strength after trauma at my own hand.

But that second part of the definition: “regaining possession of something lost or stolen.” I won’t get my innocence back. And on this side of heaven, I won’t get her back. My body will always long for the baby it was preparing for. I won’t get to answer the call to raise her up for the Lord here, and see the beautiful gifts He’s placed in her being lived out. Saying “my first baby” will always prick my heart.

For so long I remained in chains, not realizing that keeping my secret from everyone, even my own brother, caused me to give the enemy power to keep me in shame and guilt. The secret was spilling over into areas of my life that I didn’t even realize it was affecting:

My relationship with my husband.

My ability to worship freely.

My ability to connect more with my living daughters

And even my body image and self esteem.

 

But here’s the best part. When I started to tell my story, I took back the keys to my chains and gave it to the Lord. Bringing that darkness into light to trusted individuals, brought healing that I didn’t know I was longing for. It was FREEING! A weight had been lifted. As the Lord began to trade my ashes for beauty, I learned that around 40% of women in the church have had an abortion. I was shocked. I had felt alone for so long, and now I knew that this was actually just a huge “hushed-suffering” for so many women, and even men who were a part of it. I felt a renewed sense of righteous anger! The same fear, the same shame, the same lies were living in other women all around me and I had no idea. I had to use my story, as scary as it was, to help free them!

It’s happening and it’s working! After I’ve shared my testimony on stages, I’ve had women of all ages and backgrounds come up and whisper to me with tear soaked cheeks, “me too.” As heart breaking as it is (because I know exactly what they’re feeling) I also know that this is step 1 of healing.

Step 1 of Freedom from Shame.

Friends, if this is you, I want you to know you’re not alone. I want you to know there’s a healing balm to your heart that only the Lord can provide. I want you to know that there is a grief journey that has to take place, even if it’s been delayed for years. It is hard but…beautiful.

Abortion doesn’t define you. God wants to help you recover and return to a more normal state of health and strength. There’s power in the words of our testimony. There’s forgiveness and restoration. It’s a process and I’m still walking it out. I won’t ever stop this process on this broken earth. My heart will always ache for my daughter in heaven, Hosanna. I will continue to rename the shame, fight the lies the enemy tries to whisper in the dark of night, and continue to find my freedom each day! I will continue to let Him DO IT AGAIN in my heart each day and share my ever changing testimony with my keys of freedom in hand.

If you or someone you know has experienced the lasting effects of abortion, there are local Pregnancy Services organizations, Christian Counselors, and support groups through some churches, and programs that you can begin to process and heal with. I would be honored to speak to any woman, or man, who want to step out and do the work of Regaining Freedom from Shame.